Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Recycling Lawn Ornaments

Tuesday, May 11th, 2010

There is this large, hard-to-hide, concrete  N Star thing in my front yard, and apparently, it’s here to stay. To make peace with this hideous thing, I decided to plant around it. When the hostas do their job,  I will  not be able to see the sides of this free-art platform, and the top, I will deal with when I have more time.

I was at a yard sale last weekend and I spotted this mouse. It was in the  free pile, so I popped it into my car for my mother: she likes lawn ornaments.

Home again, I decided to take Bennett for a walk. It’s never a brisk walk, because Bennett loves to check for pee mail from his friends and I, as an avid e-mailer, am completely sympathetic  to his outreach enthusiasm. Around the corner on Noisy Hole Road (I kid you not) someone (and I’m assuming it was a tween or teenager) had drawn a long, thick, surprisingly realistic-looking penis.

Looking at the penis, I was thankful it wasn’t directly in front of my house. Is there such a thing as indelible chalk?  Would I now have to give directions like, “take a right at the big penis, then take an immediate …”?

So instead of giving the steroidal mouse to my mother, I decided to use it on my N Star pedestal. It’s an experiment. How long will the penis-drawing people (they might not be tweens/teens, but toddlers don’t have the dexterity and adults have usually worked through street art and progressed to the privacy of Internet porn)  allow such a delicious target to exist?

It’s been a solid week and he is still standing. Maybe there is a sort of code among street artists….

Recycling Paper Products

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010

True greenies  never forget to bring their own bags when shopping, don’t use dryer sheets, and don’t buy paper towels. I try to be as green as possible, but don’t you think paper towels one of life’s lovely little conveniences? I’ve used rags and towels, but there’s something about that on-the-roll convenience.

This weekend was the official start to my yard sale season. I went to random sales during the winter, but this Saturday I had a LIST (more than three!).  I map quested the unfamiliar locations and I was up and out by 7:30 am.

First sale – I was the first customer. Love that. With a garage full of unpacked stuff and one central table covered with unpriced mugs, dishes, and mundane glassware, my excitement started to wane. About to give up, I spotted a rack in the back full of cleaning products, lawn fertilizers and, my favorite, paper towels. “How much?” I asked, and pleased with the answer of $.25/roll, I bought four.

I decided not to feel guilty about my paper towels purchase, labeling my shopping precycling instead of consumerism. Happily, I raced (I mean drove) to my next sale.

The second one was an almost perfect sale.  I found a great bakers rack ($25.00), a hot air popcorn popper to help with my cleanse ($3.00), a J. Jill blouse ($2.00), an Anne Klein suit ($4.00), and a very cool bike ($25.00).

I was able to get the rack and other things into my car, but the bike was causing a problem. I didn’t want to make two trips, so how was I going to get it home?

Back to the garage. I asked the young man (14 years old and forced to help his mother – not happy) if he had any bungee cords for sale. He didn’t, but he did offer me a very long and dusty rope. So as I made a little gear and pedal nest to support and protect my new bike,  I thanked my new, pimply, monosyllabic pre-man acquaintance.

As I drove away with my pleasure endorphins firing, I thanked the yard sale gods for directing me to the right sales and in the right order. Yes, it’s going to be a great sale season full of interesting characters and fun finds.

See you Saturday!

Recycling Closet Space

Friday, March 5th, 2010

This is our Bennett closet and Bennett is our dog. (See the hem of his little Marlboro Man coat?)

I realize that most dogs don’t have their own closet, but Bennett is special (and spoiled). Unfortunately, Bennett likes to collect as much as I do, and he’s been stashing funny things in his closet all winter long. (I don’t know how he thought he was going to operate that Magic Chef cookie press with his little paws….) Bruce recently opened the closet door and when he turned around he had that look on his face. The look says, “I can’t stand your piles of shit and you have to do something about this closet NOW.”

Because we have passive aggressive personalities, we usually wait for a day or two (we HATE being told what to do) and then we start the cleaning. After all, we admit that we are can be a bit messy.

When we stopped being snotty and pissed off, we suggested that maybe the closet would be more useful if it had shelves, and (we couldn’t believe it) he agreed. So now Bennett and I are cleaning like crazy because we can’t wait to organize all of our treasures on our new shelves.

Recycling Hot Flashes

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

When I tell you I’ve tried everything to ease the menopause beast, you have to take me at my word.

I started the old fashioned and conventional way: an arsenal of prescription drugs. My first experience with my new anti-depressant left me unable to drive and drooling. My doctor said I had to give my body time to adjust: to what – catatonia? Back to the crawly skin and the hot flashes; drooling is not a good look for me.

My non-traditional efforts started with a weekend of pouring (all of) my pee into a gas-can-like container to be sent off (to Virginia, I think) for analysis. Then we (myself and my NEW doctor) worked on finding just the right combination of vitamins. The problem with this method is that you have to take take the vitamins, assess their usefulness, and then reevaluate: add some, take away others. An expensive little equation because, of course, vitamins (and most holistic doctors) are not covered by my insurance plan.

So I seem to have reached a detante (this is such a great post menopause definition) with my hormones and my body, but I’m left housing all of these unused and rejected vitamins. Most of them have expiration dates, making them easy to throw away, but what about the viable ones?

Since our wavyo bags are made out of recycled, post consumer plastics, perhaps there is something that can be done with my (and your) cabinet full of pre-consumer vitamins.

Any thoughts?

Recycling Workshop Info

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

Running late, I jumped into the shower while brushing my teeth. With toothbrush and drool dangling (it’s OK, I’m in the shower), I apply shampoo directly to my head.

Brushing while lathering is not as easy as it sounds, and once again, I had to stop and laugh at myself.

THEN I remembered a great teacher workshop I attended a long time ago. BrainGym – a number of movements to be performed before sitting down to a long day of classwork – can help kids (and adults) connect and/or awaken both sides of their brain, assisting with concentration and focus. (At least that’s how I remember it.)

So unintentionally, I recycled a long ago training and rediscovered a whole new set of morning exercises. Forget the gym. I’m now using  Awkward Ablutions to perk up my morning and my mind. I’m just curious to see if anyone notices….

Recycling Holiday Habits

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

My father has told us, and now I can say repeatedly, that if we are going to buy him something, the only things he wants is a Wal-Mart gift card. I don’t know why, but we seem to think we know best, not father, and we keep searching for the perfect gift.

For example, I got him Emperors and Idiots: The Hundred Year Rivalry Between the Yankees and Red Sox, From the Very Beginning to the End of the Curseby Mike Vaccaro  (and would Mike be related to Brenda?) (with pictures and large print), and one of my sisters gave him a tomato plant so he could have real, juicy tomatoes growing on his balcony. Are those not thoughtful gifts? The boys made cards, and we made a man feast of meat and meat - even a bacon dip meat appetizer. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a Wal-Mart gift card in site (we had so done that at Christmas) and he was unhappy.

How could we tell he didn’t like our gifts? Well, a) he said, “I’ll look at (did you mean savor?) these later, b) when he saw the plant he said, “What am I going to do with that?” and c) he never likes our gifts: consistency is the key to his personality.

My parents divorced a year ago. At 79 and 71, they’d finally had enough of each other’s antics. The nicest thing about the divorce is that when they do end up in the same room, they now seem to really enjoy each other’s company.

So leave it to my mother to find the perfect non-Wal-Mart Fathers Day gift. I didn’t even know they made wreathes for Fathers’ Day! This one was unique, eye catching, and I have to say, it rendered my father (and everyone else in the room) speechless. It’s hard to say you don’t like something when you can’t even figure out what it is.

As you can see, the wreath doubles as a gettin’ all fancy, going out to suppa necklace, although I don’t know if my father’s neck is strong enough to wear it properly.  

Dad, I finally get it; We are totally on the same page. From now on it’s Wal-Mart, every way for every (special) day;-)

Happy Fathers Day. Love Tina

Don’t Taze Me Bro – Recycling Humor

Friday, April 10th, 2009

Disclaimer - I’m a recycler, which means I can’t even toss away (or delete) a funny story or a joke unless I think it’s been thoroughly used up and enjoyed. I copied this from an email; it is not my own creation: I thought it was very funny.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
 
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed=2 0the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
 
AWESOME!!!
 
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disori ent your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
 
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.. .?
 
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
 
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
 
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely rec all waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
 
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor … A three second burst would be considered conservative?
 
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
 
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novoca in, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
 
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

The Best Zucchini Bread Recipe

Friday, August 8th, 2008

oinions-and-zucch.JPG

I love growing zucchini because it makes me feel like I really know how to garden. Apparently anyone can grow it (just watch your friends and neighbors trying to “share” their zucchini harvest), and the growing conditions seem to be extremely forgiving: clay or sand, any growing or time zone, in sun or shade. The plants have beautiful and expansive leaves and when they are in full production, they are truly majestic. Unfortunately, they are also a very sneaky species. Just when you think you have all of your zucchini plants under control, they overnight hormones from the flower to the fruit and you are left with a whole garden full of swollen and scary dirigibles.

Now I’m not a good baker, but I HATE throwing away food, especially food that I’ve grown in my own yard. So I had to find a good recipe for zucchini bread. For all of you who are now up to your privates in zucchini, here is a great recipe that I found on line. (What makes it great? It’s really delicious, it’s easy to make, it has “normal” ingredients and pan requirements, it seems to be fool proof, and it’s easy to freeze for unexpected company or a quick hostess gift. )

Great Zucchini Bread By Diana Rattray @ About.com

Ingredients 

2 cups shredded raw zucchini

3 eggs

1 3/4 cups sugar

1 cup vegetable oil

2 cups flour

1/4 teaspoon baking powder

2 teaspoons baking soda

2 teaspoons cinnamon

1 teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 cup chopped walnuts

Preparation:

Put zucchini in strainer and press or squeeze with hands to get excess liquid out. Beat eggs, sugar, and oil together. Add flour, baking powder, soda, cinnamon, salt, vanilla, and walnuts. Mix together by hand. Add drained zucchini. Mix well. Pour into 2 greased and floured loaf pans. Bake 55 to 65 minutes at 350°, or until a wooden pick or cake tester inserted in center comes out with very little cake clinging to it.

Happy eating and gardening!

Counting Recycled Sheep

Thursday, July 24th, 2008

Sometimes, especially in the heat of the summer, I feel like my creativity has been sucked out and replaced with unsweetened oatmeal. I have the random (and of course, potentially brilliant), fragmented thoughts in the middle of the night while I’m counting sheep and waiting for the flash to pass, but upon awakening - bleary eyes and fuzzy remembrances.

Today, coffee in hand, I headed to my computer for a little wake up work. Focusing my eyes first, and then my brain, I laughed out loud when I saw these recycled sheep. 
recycled-lambs.jpg
They don’t look a bit like the ones I counted and sorted last night!

A laugh, a little more caffeine, and all of a sudden my day looks a little more colorful, a little more welcoming, and a little more creative.  

A Day Saleing

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008

tackle.JPG
For some reason Friday’s paper had a less than inspiring yard sale section, so as I made my list, I planned for a short shopping morning.

I’m still looking for a tri-fold screen for my farmer’s market display (I try to envision what I need before I go out) and a few other things for the house (towels) and husband (work t-shirts).  While I try to limit what I bring home for myself, I am always looking for treasures for the other members of my family.

After the sister yard sale (and I have to write about that at another time because it was so special) I found a mother who was selling tons of spider man stuff.  She told me her son had graduated from Spider Man to Star Wars, and his growth was my fortune. I picked up a Spider Man (from now on we’ll call him S.M. for short) lunch box (.25), a S.M. backpack (.25), two S.M. action figures (.25 each) and S.M. pajamas (1.00). For two dollars (two!) I was about to make my youngest nephew a very happy little boy. (And Mary, if you are reading this, let me tell you what I left there: S.M. sheets, pillow cases, a fleece blanket, and what looked to be a three foot, battery operated, walking and talking Spider Man. You’re welcome.)

My dilemma then becomes, how do I show up with all of this loot for one nephew and nothing for the other brother? You can’t really explain the luck of the draw to little boys, so I thought about keeping all of Henry’s stuff until I could find an equally exciting package for Calvin.

As I drove home, I saw a sign for a sale that was not on my list. I wasn’t totally out of money (my stopping indicator) and it was on my way home, so I decided to check it out. In this instance there was no denying that the yard sale gods were taking matters into their own hands.

The young man at this might-have-missed-it yard sale used to be a sales rep for a fishing tackle company, and he was selling all kinds of fishy stuff. From rods and poppers, to fish clocks and refrigerator magnets, even a hook sharpener and a plastics welder – everything a little boy who loves to fish could possibly want. (Calvin likes fishing the way Henry likes S.M, and I like yard sales; in other words, out of control obsessions.)

His prices were as reasonable as the S.M. prices, so I collected a huge bag of treasures and called my sister. I needed permission to drop by with this much stuff.

Let me just say that the boys went absolutely wild. There was Christmas whooping and Halloween like glee. Clothes were ripped off to accommodate superhero shorts, and tackle boxes were emptied so the shiniest pieces were arranged and rearranged on top.

There is nothing that makes me happier than reworking some of the excess in our community, then watching my nephews dig into a bag of recycled tresures. That little boy exuberance and euphoria is catchy…. I’m still high and that was days ago! 

Each Friday night listing and every Saturday morning sale is loaded with potential. For those of you who haven’t tried it yet, wouldn’t you like to be a yard sale hero for a day (I was, I really was!), while recycling and staying out of the mainstream stores? That, to me, is a perfect way to spend a Saturday morning.

Happy Saleing!

Tina